Solo Living, My Want (For Now)

                Everyone has a fair share of secrets. I have mine too, and since it is year-end, I want to disclose my secrets; only those that I don’t want to keep for 2014.

                Well, it took me a while to publish an entry in this site. What are the reasons? I’m quite busy to a lot of things I can’t anymore find myself in front of my netbook to let my fingers write/type the ideas that are wandering inside my mind. I was preoccupied by too many activities I’m actually failing to give myself the satisfaction of creating an article to relate my whereabouts to my friends and readers; and somehow for myself to read after some years from now. I’m a teacher in front of my students every weekdays but I’m also a student during weekends. If I find time for myself, I’m opening my social networking sites’ accounts to update myself of my friends’ activities and them of mine. And how it affects my free time? Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are actually consuming all of my lazy hours. Finally, I’m like “I need to write this or that” then drop the idea due to laziness, and what else can it be? I’m a sleepyhead my friends. As if all I want is to sleep, which is an act that my friends have themselves accustomed to already. What can they do? This is the “me” they need to deal with each day anyway. But I’m actually feeling that I’m slowly changing/disposing this sleepy-face-and-attitude since the start of the Christmas Vacation, I’m not sleeping most of the time. Is that a good sign or a bad sign? I really don’t know.

                Anyway, I decided this morning, December 31, 2013, to sit and face my netbook to write. There are things that I can’t say personally to some certain persons so, here.

                I want this to be short! I WANT TO STAY IN A HOUSE ALONE. I have a fair share of experiences that made me think of that DESIRE.

                I started boarding when I was a college student; I share a single room with my sister Joanne and her five classmates. The number is big, but it is quite okay because the room is big. The scene didn’t last long because her classmates decided to move out so my sister and I stayed. Later, other members of our family moved in. My sisters transferred school near the university I studied. I live there without problems; they are family so I can do my will.

                Comes my graduation and my first job. I need to stay in a place with my work friends. Now they are not blood-related in one way or another to me. I stayed there for ten months; my contract is only for one year. I was with eight other boarders, there were times when we’re dealing with misunderstanding but we managed to settle things easily. They are not easy to live with, and maybe I’m also easy to be with. I don’t know! During those moments, living alone did not ever enter my thoughts.

                Here comes the situation that calls for uprising and revolution in my mind. I need to move out! I need to live by myself. I wanted freedom. I don’t want to be told what to do. And, when at home – I somewhat want to escape the problems in my working place which will not happen if I continue sharing an apartment with someone I work with.

                Second job… January 2013, I move in with one of my co-teacher. At the start it was good. There’s no problem. If there are problems related to work, those are immediately solved. Three months passed its graduation already. How time flies too fast! Still, no problem encountered. Summer, I enrolled in MSES-BioChem, it’s the start of my not-yet-spoken-desire-until-now-to-move-out. (If you are reading this and you know who you are, well, I’m not good in doing this orally. I can relate effectively when I’m writing my thoughts down).

                First things first, I know I’m hard-headed at some things. And if you force me to do things that are against my need and will, well, you won’t like my actions. I’m not violent, I won’t talk with you. That’s what I do. And I don’t put much effort in settling with people. And that is what people would not like about me. But, there’s a big “but”, that only happen once in a blue moon. As I have already relayed, I guess I’m easy to live with. Just don’t do things overacted.

                Now, here we roll…

                He’s like “we-do-things-simultaneously” but I’m more of doing things “consecutively” – it doesn’t matter if I do it first or last; I’m used to perform things alone, I’m introvert and reserved. I have this problem; I seldom ask consent from someone in doing something. In like manner, I don’t want others to ask permission from me. One scenario, my classmate told me to apply for a library ID in the graduate schools. And I did. The problem was I failed to inform my co-teacher about the thing, I THOUGHT he will apply somehow. After knowing it, he’s angry. Wow, it made me furious. But don’t think it that way, when I say furious it’s only in my mind. I remember, I’m sharing an apartment with him (we have separate rooms), BUT I DO NOT REMEMBER giving him the idea that WE’LL DO EVERYTHING AT THE SAME TIME! I did not commit myself to him, for heaven’s sake. Board mates are only board mates! We have a share of things we need to do on our own only. This happened again when my classmates get there ID cord, so I get mine too. I did not tell him because I again THOUGHT he’ll get his. In the matriculation, what we paid for is all listed so if one has a mind, he’ll get what he’s paid for. Right?

                He’s like “I need someone to accompany me” and I’m like again “I can do it myself.” I hate it when I need to rest, I want to sleep, I want to just sit and play with my phone, or I want to read a book then he’ll call me to accompany him, even in buying something that does not concern me. Electric fan for his HRPTA project, amplifier as his project, even other not so important things. I don’t do that, because I value other people’s time and I highly prefer buying things alone. I can do it in the fastest way I could.

                He’s like “pay for the laundry and house cleaning” and I’m like “I can do it.” But when I’m reasoning why I don’t want to ask for other hands to clean my clothes, he’ll stick in my nose the notion that “we do help in paying for their expenses.” Now where will I place myself? I thought I’m living in a democratic country but I feel like I don’t practice my freedom. I’m to do HIS WANTS. He’s 7 years ahead of me that’s why he’s have more say to things, I’m like the “what-he-thinks-I-follow-freak” and I hate it. Me being able to wash my laundry is not just the reason, I also need to help myself to be frugal. But I’m paying for the service every week. It’s becoming a burden already in my part. I guess I can do an action for this matter this 2014. I wish I could do it. Hmmmm. There’s still one reason why I want this paying to end. Read further.

                He says “I’m sensitive” and I say “I don’t mind.” It is somewhat good to be sensitive but don’t be over.

                There are still long lists of reasons WHY I WANT TO MOVE OUT but I notice this is quite long already. But there is one more thing that I want to reason, and I don’t want this to be kept inside my head, I want this expressed.

                To you: GO GET A LIFE! I mean, FIND SOMEONE TO MARRY. This is addressed to you! Think as if I’m talking in your face.

                I hated you from the first night you started touching my body. I even went down to the living room, thinking WHAT THE F**K! You said you’re sorry and you’ll not do it again so I forgive you. Anyway, nothing really happened that night, you only moving your hands in my body. But each time we are sharing the same room, because we have guests to use your bed, I can’t sleep soundly for I am thinking you’ll start rubbing your hands on me again. When I’m already sleeping, I would wake up because I can feel a hand is rubbing my crotch. Your acts made me hate you; feared you more. But I cannot confront you, I’m not vocal and you always act like nothing happened.

                I thought hating and fearing you would end your act but I was so wrong. It continued and all I could do is to sleep but place myself very close to the wall just to be away from you but I’m at your reach whatever I do. I hated myself because I don’t have the strength to confront; I’m only good at BEING SILENT.

                My rights were intruded when one night we were drinking liquor with your friends. I remember saying I cannot take another shot because I’m drunk already but you insisted leading me to my very first vomit due to drunkenness. It does not end there, I was knocked out. I fall asleep easily but I woke up when a hand is harshly touching my body, my arms, and held my manhood. I tried to remove your hands from holding my cock but I’m weak due to that damn liquor. Next thing I know, I was only wearing my shirt. My short and underwear are removed; you were holding my then flaccid cock, jerking it to erect. And I did not like the feeling when your mouth gets hold of my cock. I’m weak! I cannot even stop you and you used my weakness to taste me without my will. I feel like a slave. You know that feeling? I don’t think so.

                From that moment on, I look to you differently. I act like I don’t know that it happened, like I was too drunk to remember. But you have no idea how it changed the way I act towards you. I laugh at your jokes and comment on your questions but it was not like before. I act differently; I don’t respect you the way I did before. And I always want to be home, with my family. Just like what I did before the Christmas party.

                I’m observing you, the way you look, you talk, your facial expressions, your gestures, and how you deal with others especially with the people we worked with. You are open-minded as you said in a Facebook comment. You added that open-minded persons have plenty of friends, yes, but you still need to consider the people you work with each day. I did not buy the way you post status on Facebook, not pointing out the name but it was very obvious. That act a real man cannot do.

                There! Some of my thoughts. I want to live my life without the need to think other people. I want to sleep when I want; I want to eat when I want, where I want and what I want; I want freedom not to be dictated what to do or to follow norms. Yes, I’m act soft because that who I am. I don’t make pretend.

                For your information, at least I’m letting you know. I decided not to watch Vice Ganda’s “Girl, Boy, Bakla, Tomboy” to show my own way of uprising. And I watched Pagpag Movie with college classmate. You need to remember: I do it my own and my way!

                As my favorite line from an-author-I-forgot-the-name goes, “I am not in this world to live up to other people’s expectation, nor the world must live up to mine.”

                This entry maybe about my sentiments, as I’ve said. I want these to be told so that I’ll not keep these till 2014. The person is safe for no name is given. He may be known by his friends who knew me only.

                Happy New Year!! 2014, be good to me!